On friendship and connection with others
note to self
This is a ‘note to self’ post: reminders to myself about thing’s I’ve learnt about friendships and connecting with others so I don’t forget later on.
Keeping friends
Friends need to be maintained.
You can’t just take things for granted and expect to be close to certain people if you haven’t talked for a while.
Sometimes you need to make the first move - be the one to reach out and initiate hangouts.
‘Hey I feel like we haven’t had a chance to chat properly for a while - wanna catch up over lunch someday?’
And follow through! Fix a date and spend time with them. That is how you keep those who mean a lot to you in your life.
Invite more people to the table
Be open to inviting new people to join the table, and allow people who might be new to your school or area to feel welcomed. You never know the wonders that will do! One “Hey, we’re going to watch a movie, you wanna join us?” might lead to a lifelong friendship.
Starting fresh
Sometimes we might meet new people (or old friends who we haven’t seen in years). Be open to hanging out with those people and having small talk - because you really can’t get to know someone or build any deep relationship before first having the small talk.
I’ve written this reminder in Chinese for myself:
「重新開始，重新學習」”Start again, learn again.”
Sometimes with old friends, you have to clear the slate and start over, so you can get to know who they are right now. Let go of expectations, or whatever happened in the past, and start fresh.
They might be a completely different person to the person you knew before. Be open to that and spend time getting to know the new them.
Things change, people change. We can’t expect people to stay the same their whole lives, or as they were when you knew them. And don’t take it personally when they do change - it’s not about you, it’s their life after all. Respect them and embrace the new them.
Drifting apart from friends
Sometimes you might drift away from certain friends. When that happens, instead of immediately moving to blame others - stop for a moment to reflect on your own actions. Think about the way that you have been treating the people around you. Sometimes you might find that you've been doing good, maybe it’s because the other person has just been going through something. Other times you might find that you've been a bit cold or closed up - and that's okay. Awareness gets you to change the way you’re doing things. So think about how you can move forward, allow yourself to maybe open up more and reach out to the people who mean something to you.
But also know that at times no one needs to have done anything wrong for friends to drift apart, it's just the way that things are. Sometimes your stars align and sometimes they don't. Appreciate the good memories that you made together and look ahead to all of the other people who you will be making even more memories with down the line.
Balancing being adaptable to being who you are
It’s important to be adaptable - to be able to join in on conversations that people have, to have a good sense of what’s going on in the word and what people are into nowadays.
Find common interests! If someone mentions a TV show that you’re also interested in watching, go watch it, and suddenly you have something to bond over and talk about.
But at the same time it’s also important to remember to maintain your own frame. That looks like being okay to stand alone sometimes - being okay disagreeing with others and having your own opinion, being okay with having your own things going on too.
Don’t do everything for the sole purpose of fitting in, because sure you might fit in, but you end up betraying yourself in the process. Listen to your own heart and follow what feels right for you in that moment. If checking out a TV show that others like feels right in that moment, then go for it! If you feel like focusing on yourself and reading a book - then go do that.
Listen to others but don't forget to listen to your own heart as well.
True belonging and connection
Brené’s definition of connection has really changed me, driving me to really appreciate the people in my life where I have genuine connections with. It has also changed the way that I treat others - I try and allow others to feel seen and to show up as myself which gives others the permission to show up as themselves too.
Genuine connections with people does not require us to change who we are to fit in, because these people accept us for who we are right now. This is what true belonging looks like.
I hope we all manage to find people that we can build genuine connections with. We won't be able to do that with everyone - be okay with having some friendships where you just go out and have fun with them if that feels right, and hold on to the people who you can build a deep connection with.
It’s a lifelong practice to learn to balance between connecting with others while being okay standing alone.
Brené’s Brown’s quote sums this dichotomy up pretty well, so I’ll leave you with that.
